it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
