According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
