My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
