I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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