people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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