I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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