pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize