I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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