What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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