you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
