He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
