Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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