i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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