Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
