Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
