did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize