Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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