Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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