Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You work out of a Hotel?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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