cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
