My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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