I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
