apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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