Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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