When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
