I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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