Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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