oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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