I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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