he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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