I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
