she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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