I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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