mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
