I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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