quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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