what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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