My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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