The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
