so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
