so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
