Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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