My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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