I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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