Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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