GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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