Can i not drive my cunt home
You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
