So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
