Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
