You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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