until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize