If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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