its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
