Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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