Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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