Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
