a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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