wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
