I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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