then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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