Someone shit on the floor
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
