you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
