well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
