Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
