i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
