Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
